I’m obsessed with books…I still remember,,,I was sent to school at the age of 2 in nursery…I used to enjoy school only for the reason that one of my teachers…K.D.Miss,,,was an excellent story teller…She had this colourful book with her and showed us the pictures occassionally…That was the first love…Then I got my first BOOK ever…THE BLUE BIRD…I was so excited and turned the pages over and over…I was 5 years old and couldn’t read the BOOK properly and couldn’t even understand bits and pieces…My Mum was their to narrate the story and I fell in love with it…It was a gradual process and I didn’t even noticed when MY BOOKS became my escape…During the off periods, when my classmates were busy in playing and chatting among themselves,,,I used to run to the school library …I don’t know how but the time went running away…I had to be dissatisfied with my hunger for “Few Pages More”…Every time I got scolding from Teachers or my Mum ,,,I would run to my collection and read a whole book to escape from the reality and cool my mind off…It was college and I was doing my Honours…I had the habit of not even smiling…I was a good student and never bunked any classes except when I found any BOOK that could steal my hours just like that…I started reading romantic novels but wasn’t in love with any one other than MY BOOKS…How could I??? Not a single Guy could match with the Fantasy ones… Whoever tried and proposed me got rejected immediately…I knew that Boys in real life cannot be like the ones in BOOKS…Hell, even Girls aren’t like the lead female characters…Still I had that surreal hope for meeting the one 🙄…Slowly I became aware of the facts that life isn’t what is written in a book…It is way different…I started loving books more and more…Afterall they were and are my escape from real life…Slowly but surely I completed my dream of having a Library of my own… Although it took years,.,but I did it…Right now I’ve a collection of almost thousand BOOKS… TRAVELOGUE,,, AUTOBIOGRAPHIES,,,PARTITION,,,MYSTERY,,,ADVENTURE,,,HORROR,,,COMEDY,,, THRILLERS,,,ROMANCE,,,EROTIC AS WELL,,,But my all time favourite that I still read to this date is “FAIRY TALES“…I still think there is somewhere a prince and a princess who lead their lives happily ever after…I do face problems and backlashes…But every problem that I get over with is only with “MY BOOKS“
I’m one of the most sentimental woman…I was taught to be strong from an early age…so that I don’t show any kind of emotions to the world…that thing has always been poking ME…I still manage to hide my true self and beleive me … no-one is really ready to look through me ... I’ve never felt someone see through my soul…guess, you cannot always get what you want…Life isn’t predictable and wasn’t for ME either…The morning and the evening in my life has always created a huge difference among themselves…The dreams have been big but the truth proved to be less than small…This doesn’t mean I didn’t work hard… I’m one of the hardest workers ever…But anyhow in the way of my path my sentiments have created a huge turmoil…I had to close myself off…Can you blame me??? I’ve always been a lone wolf you had to stand alone in a crowd of hundreds and where no one was there to share their shoulders…Still now ,,,after being married for 12 years,,,I stand alone and had to use my thumbs to wipe my tears…The problem is, my self respect comes in between me any my emotions…I have been judged by people around and near ME my whole life and they’re still doing it…I don’t show the emotions but it hurts, a lot… I had to keep my sentiments at a bay so that no one can come close enough to break my walls down…I can’t let anyone… I’ve tried but left with heart breaks and buckets of tears…Now I don’t have a place for my sentiments… I’ve become a hard-core woman who is nothing of her true self but a shell…Right now two things in my life don’t go together….SENTIMENTS & ME….
Sometimes we’re obliged to stay with certain people or the one whom I was vowed to spend my whole life HAPPILY…and not CHAINED down…It feels so frustrating and at the same time choking that we couldn’t even find the way out… Feeling nothing for a person when that one is way selfish and doesn’t even respect your existence might be my fault…I don’t know how but it has always been and always will be my fault who has been CHAINED down…Life is not always about flowers and valleys…but it also comes with thorns where you’ve to overlook your feelings,,,your importance,,,your existence for the sake of the so called LIFE PARTNERS…If they’re down with their health,,, you’ve to look after them,,,if they are having a burdening day,,, you’ve to share that,,,if they’re having their special days,,, you’ve to give few surprises,gifts and celebrate that to make them feel special…When I’m having one,,, I’ve to hide myself and cry so that they don’t get the impression of living with a brat or a weakling…or think that I’m overreacting…It is like I was trained to sacrifice me so that everyone can have a smooth path without thorns and have a red carpet on their way to life… Leaving everything behind seems to be a good option sometimes…but can’t even do that cause of the child whom I gave birth to 11 years ago and to whom I’m simply valueless… WOW!…This is what I’m CHAINED to…It was so disheartening when every day I try to worship the ground they walk…Every year on Sep 1 I hope for atleast to get to feel happy…Afterall it was that sick day when I was born for God’s sake…This day has always bring some awful delight with it and why would I’ve any exceptions now… I’ve become nothing but a doormat and a personal slave and lost my identity in the process…I can never escape the reality of being…CHAINES down…
It was already Twilight…I was still searching for you…Not that I was not aware of your mischiefs…still I had the slightest of hope to find you…You had been hiding from the early hours of the day…All around the orchard and even on that Deodar,,,that has your treehouse,,,you were nowhere to be found…Your backpack was there,,,your things were there and even your mouth organ was there…how could someone stay in hiding for so many hours…I just remembered,,,that day,,,” it was pouring heavily and I got up only to find the side of your bed was cold and you weren’t even in the premises or nearby…I searched for you everywhere and guess what,,,you were nowhere…I panicked and in that state of mind I ran outside barefooted in that waterlogged path… Although I couldn’t find you but got high fever…I still was adamant to search for you,,,I couldn’t just stay aloof and wait till eternity…I got inside the car only to find you on the backseat with a huge cake to celebrate my birthday…afterall it was September 1…But who does that even to surprise with a vacation of a week…That was the day when I was literally burning and you thought to prank me with your so called birthday surprise…I knew then and there,,,you were a nuisance and a real..IMP….” Now I’m again doing the same thing and waiting for you to show up from anywhere and tell me that it was a prank as you’ve done that every year on my birthday…It was our ritual where you prank me on my every birthday and I gift you with lots of things related to an IMP on your birthday…But this year,,, I felt something different,,,a different emotion when I followed our ritual on your birthday…You weren’t laughing like a maniac or hugging the life out of me…but you were irritated…I thought I had to change the ritual next year…You would have been happy…Now when I think,,,you were having second thoughts about us…Cause I was burning but you just stayed in the library with some work…you didn’t even came to check on me for once…I get it now…You were throwing hints after hints but I was way in my heart…I realised that day that you were my IMP…THE MISCHIEVOUS ONE…once but now you’re only an …….IMP……not the other way around….
I tried and tried,,,but couldn’t find a single drop of water from my eyes…How would I when you’ve even snatched that privilege away from me…You knew I’ve nothing left to give you other than that but you couldn’t even spare my salty escape for me…I watched your retreating back to mix with the fog to never come back and hold me in your arms…I knew,,, the day when you weren’t standing there beside me to strengthen me and say ,”Don’t worry love, I’ll always be there,,,when you open your eyes,,, I’ll wait to see those black onyx and that smile on your chocolate brown petals,,, I’ll be there to hold you and let you burry your face in my chest so that you could listen to my heart beat which would take away your pain,,, I’ll be there love”,,,you were no more my safe heaven…I was still trying to not give up…You used to sit just behind me and steal glances here and there…I used to love that and my body was so responsive… Everything changed and I realised that you don’t do that anymore…I knew that I wasn’t only losing you but losing my soul in the process to hold you…You slowly but gradually retreated back and shattered me piece by piece…I searched but couldn’t find my heart anymore…You captured it when you thought it was right,,,you chained it when you thought it was right,,,you threw the box with my heart in it into the never ending hole when you thought it was right,,,you broke it into several small pieces and left me to find and join the pieces when you thought it was right…You burnt me with the VENOM created by you and didn’t even think to give the antidote when you felt it was the right thing to do…Who was I to you???Now I won’t complain cause I’ve the most precious gift that you’ve ever gifted me with…..…your…….VENOM……
The looks weren’t enough for me to go ahead and ask out what I was thinking….I tried to relate in the most extravagant way,,,to my utter disappointment I didn’t have enough guts to prove it….7 whole years I just gave few direct and mostly side glances….It wasn’t enough,,,no,it wasn’t…. Slowly but surely my smiley face turned into some desolate desert….They used to have bets on me….I became the perfect centre of attraction….Curse my life….Inchmeal, I became what I’m now….a smile less soul….You know,,,,mental abuse is one of the most dangerous things that leaves marks throughout the life….I gradually did came all this way and raised myself from the ashes of insult, mental abuse, loneliness, lovelessness, looked down, judged for every other thing that I did which every person does….But you know, I was only the one to get all the humiliation which was more than a person can tolerate…. I’m still waiting for them to show up even after all these years so that I could really look directly into their eyes and find all those answers which I’ve been searching for ages….I literally tried to overcome every ordain against me and believe me when I say I did but a little….I still have a long way to go….Still,,,I rose, rose from the ashes of all the bully and turned into a “PHOENIX“
I was like a tadpole when I got my first “friend”…I had so much faith in her that I thought there won’t be need of any other “friend” in my life …But her father got his transfer orders when we were in standard 2…I was so heart broken…For years I didn’t have anyone to rely on…Then came a special one,,, that’s what I actually thought…She came to our school when we were in standard 8…We used to do lots of things together…I even used to leave my studies incomplete to help her in hers…She got herself a boyfriend just after a year and she started leaving me to myself but that was normal…I would have done the same…We were in standard 10 when our school was fighting a case against the school board and all the students decided to agitate against the teachers for no reasons obviously…My parents advised me to not follow that path cause in India the teachers are respected more than the parents… Afterall they are our “Gurus”…My “friend” by my side discussing those things with my parents as well…Then came her elder brother who took her home cause it was already getting dark…Next day a classmate of mine called and threatened my father, although my father didn’t pay any heed to her… After few days we went back to school…I was a first bencher…When I entered the class and kept my bag in my usual place, my so called “friend’s” boyfriend who was also one of my classmates, took her bag and put that two benches behind…The words that got out of his mouth were,,,”DON’T SIT BESIDE HEROR TALK TO HER…SHE CAN BRAINWASH YOU… SHE’S A BLOODSUCKER… SHE’S A LIAR…YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO TOUCH HER SHADOW”…It went on and on for 40 days…I fell down with high fever...When I returned back to school, I stopped looking at them or paying any heed to them…I was alone among those 48 students, literally the whole class…It was that day when I was having cramps due to my periods in school and was just putting my head down when they started again…Our maths teacher had that class…When she entered, we stood up to greet her…But I couldn’t stand still for the cramps…She asked me about the issue and most of my so called classmates started whispering…That was the last straw…I started sobbing loudly after those 51 days of continuous mental torture…Our teacher consoled me and asked them to ask for my forgiveness…After her class we had an off period when some of them tried to talk to me…But before they could process anything I went to the library which was my favourite place in the whole world…I didn’t give them the chance to talk to me the whole year…You know why…..BECAUSE THEY WERE MY CLASSMATES, AMONG WHOM WAS MY “BACKSTABBING BEST FRIEND….SUSMITA NAG”.
I don’t know what, but something always feels like missing in my life. The feeling is like, something or someone whom I don’t know or cannot realise but whenever I’m in solitude,I feel the absence and believe me it’s like my soul is being dragged out of me…Not cool, not cool at all…Many of you would think…”ahh! doesn’t have anything to do, that’s the only reason you get such malicious thoughts”…But believe me, when I’m trying to open my mind and heart together…And believe me when I say that I’m one of the busiest person…Some of my days feel like, I even have to wait to breathe…Still that particular feeling sometimes overcast me like a shadow….Today was such a day,,,annndddd boy, was it hard to concentrate in any other thing…The worst part is when I tend to snap on every little thing on every single being around me…I was just watching the clouds dancing around and passing over the green roof of trees from my car,,,when all of a sudden I got goosebumps and started missing someone whom I don’t even know exists…And with that I got a bitter melancholy mood…I still dragged myself around for the things I had to continue with,,,the heart still feels empty….What was I gonna do??? Its not new you know,,, It’s way old and becoming strong with my age…WHAT IN THE WORLD IS MISSING FROM MY SILLY LIFE??
As born and brought up in an Indian family and mostly as a girl I had to endure few things and learn them as well… The thing that I had to do with overdriving on my brain was the word “Adjustment”… I was taught to adjust with my relatives when I would watch them doing and behaving like devil’s 😈… Constant pushing and nagging would lead me to such a height where I would feel like breaking every article near me is the best thing to do at that point… Then I had to adjust in school with the so called classmates… I had to face non-stop bullies for being the tallest girl,.. for being the poor one, for being the quiet one, for believing what the teachers used to say and list goes on… I still remember that day when I was in standard 8 and was chosen the wise captain of Tagore group for sports ((although I was an indoor game type of girl and suck at outdoor ones)) and they measured my height which was 1.74 mts ….they were just so surprised with that and said I must have done something with my birth certificate and I should be in college cause I must be the oldest one in the whole school, so I’ll have to “adjust” with the students of standard 10.… I actually and literally was the youngest in the class…. Next came my college life where I had to adjust as I was the only one from ICSE board and others were from CBSE board so I had to adjust there …. although my Lecturers and Professors were way helpful….It was easier for me to complete my Honours in Political Science for them….So I’m and would be obliged to them throughout my life…..Aahhhh….I got married after few years and I had to “adjust” cause I was from a non-Brahmin family and married to a Brahmin one…..My in-laws were hell bent to prove that I was a witch who was doing something to their son….My husband said “adjust” and ‘don’t listen to them,,,, they’re a bit protective of their son’…..Okaayyy….After few months I was told to bear a child so that I can “adjust” with everything as fast as a woman should…You know what I did, I “Adjusted” and still now I’m searching my identity…… THERE’S A LIMIT IN “ADJUSTMENT” AND I’M DONE WITH IT.🔥
You know the feeling of being secured, yes, that’s what I feel when I look at the very face of the person who’s holding me together. I really don’t know about soulmate cause I haven’t experienced sort of those things but the thing I know is you cannot always have the world still you can have that one person who is more than the whole universe. Ok,mmmm, let me make some sense……….,….I was 23 when he proposed me and I was like, okkkkayy,,,let’s see the potentiality of the situation…” I’m not into any kind of relation right now and no one has proposed me for a very long time and and and,,,the most important thing is I’m not getting any younger…that means I should be rational and say yes…afterall he has a descent job which I too have and together we can deal with situations,,,so that’s a win win”… You know what they say, marry that person who loves you but not that one whom you love…So I choose the saying and slowly but gradually after having a daughter of 11 years with him I fell in love with his presence and the space he lives in and even his shadow…His presence is enough to calm and soothe me in my hard times ( which tend to stay with me a lot )…I got to know, you can always love a person later than sooner but it should be true…. Ditching your feelings is not always easy but I learnt that the hard way…I was so sure that after marriage, giving him everything ( even my virginity at the age of 23 ) I would love him,, but man, I was so wrong…The time only taught me to love a person who has always been my rock and the oxygen that I breathe to stay alive….Falling in love 💕 was the hardest thing for me ….
Right…so overrated topic. Nah, not for me. To me it would always be a sore topic to deal with. Soulmates are hard to find and if found the. It’s harder to keep them. It is so important to connect with someone in every way possible. It’s not just the outer deals but to feel the person in every possible way. When you connect with someone you don’t need to use words to express yourselves. Just staying put is enough. That is what heaven is, the safest place in this universe. But to feel it, I had to wait a lot. Did I get my soulmate?? No.. But I got the sweetest human being and that is enough. Every individual will meet his/her soulmate atleast once in their lifetime. It is what it is. There would always be a void in our heart and it would be cognizant with that one person…
It is not always easy to cope up with the fast change of our bodily appear
It is not always easy to cope up with the fast change of our bodily appearance and that means the affectionate starts to fade away even before ripening. I know, I know, most of the women goes through the same thing, still , to cope up with such twists and turns we’re never ready..I was married after 2 yrs of courtship to the person who showed me how important I was. That was such a good feeling until my body changed its appearance after giving birth to my daughter. Time elapsed and my priority became my daughter and my husband. I started ignoring my needs and myself. I didn’t have the time, not even 5 minutes for me. But that was ok, I was adjusting to the fact that situation changes and so does the priority. Every single person came before me, cause from a tender age I was taught to look after everyone selflessly and that is what I did. I let go myself. Slowly the affection of my husband that was my support system to deal with anything in this world started fading away. No, he wasn’t and isn’t cheating on me. He became so busy that now, he don’t even have the time to look at me. His business became his priority. I’m almost 38 and have a daughter of 11 but somehow alone. I’m a tutor and have a descent income but there’s no affection. It is like I’ve become a robot and leading the day to day life. I’ve lost the connection with every damn soul near me. My daughter, my books, and my singing are the only things keeping me sane. Whatever I can’t find in real life, I try to search for it my books. I’m a hardcore romantic woman and my library is filled up with those books. I do have travelogues, O Henry, Oscar Wilde, William Wordsworth, Ruskin Bond, Shakespeare, Sydney Sheldon, Bronte Sisters, Sherlock Holmes and many more in different genres but romance is and has always been my forte. I was a kid who used to search for love and affection from her parents, it was there but I couldn’t understand and still can’t. Their way was actually the hard one. That’s when at the age of 24 I came across my husband who eventually lost any kind of interest in me. I was a virgin and that was not a shocker cause these are simple things in India to save yourself for your special ones. My in laws were like…”Yah! Ok! It is good that our son has choosen a pure girl and someone who has an income”.. I used to work in a company so that was a plus point for them cause they thought of me as an inferior creature who needs to tend for the household and come with a thick amount at the end of the month, health be damn. That was all ok for me but gradually I came to realise I’ve been used. Now I’m nothing. I was so eager to find a bit of love for me that forgot to love myself. Yes, I’m LOVELESS.🫀
It is not everyday that our minds go whirlwind just by doing our daily chores. Starting something to put out the mind aloof and free of tricks should basically let me get away awhile into my extreme solitude. Nah! I’m not trying to be a poet, that’s not my forte, but it seems the thought of meagre escape from daily chores and the whirlpool called life, I’ve to put out my mind on papers, rather electronic papers.🙄